Children and Family

From Robert Bly's The Sibling Society...

'The work by Bowlby, Winnicott, and Kohut supports the idea that children are basically "warmth-seeking mammals." They attach themselves to whatever object seems to offer warmth and comfort, even if the promise is mostly illusionary, and even if "the object is hostile or frustrating to them." Children "will search for the faintest flickers of light, even if the light illuminates nothing, and even if it carries little warmth." They search - if there is little warmth at home - for light in teachers, random adults, pop singers, acquaintances who may abuse them. Children who must make such choices have, as one observer remarked, "settled for so little from the start that they think a little is a lot."'

Sobering, isn't it? To me, you first have to recover the child in yourself that was denied. Those of us who grew up watching MTv looked for warmth in music video and alternative culture, and found it, perhaps in the tribal sense. But the child's grasping for human, familial warmth perhaps went lacking, but now can be recovered. Personally, I was raised in a close knit family, and though it had (has) it's ups and downs, was (is) largely successful in providing love and warmth. Still, I did buy into pop culture and on a perhaps unrelated note, I became disconnected form Nature at large. In adulthood, I actually reached a stage where I could barely feel the grass between my toes when I walked outside barefoot. I had to ditch all the stuff, the technology for awhile and rediscover that inner nature that sought that greater Nature that went denied throughout my youth. Even in the successful families, children are damaged, says Bly in this gem of a book, and I had my damage I had to deal with.

On to our children and what we can offer them. All those nineteenfifties things we rebelled against. Family dinners, Family outings, Family walks in the parks can establish a bond among people that hopefully will help in withstanding the buffets of fortune and fate and society. For Mary, Dylan and I, sitting down to a meal after a busy day at work, work, and school can quickly re-establish our bonds with one another and provide the familial warmth Bly decries the lack of in his book.

But in my book, first take care of yourself so you then can tend after others. What do you derive pleasure from? Make it a goal to live a rich, full life. Flowing from this, you will transmit this same richness and fullness to your children.

So guitar hero is good in good measure, but reading, writing, making music, the traditional seven liberal arts, I don't see where you can ever go wrong with these...